I’m Allowed To Be Angry

I’ve developed a reputation of being incredibly optimistic.  I get overly excited for silly things, like decorating for the holidays, Black Friday or even Daylight savings.  I am there for people all the time who have a bad day.  I love lifting up spirits and making someone’s day.  I like my children to see a positive me, so hopefully they grow up seeing the glass half full.

However, I am allowed angry days too. 

I get mad.  I get my feelings hurt.  Sometimes, I cannot just brush things off and move on.  Sometimes I hold grudges.  I shouldn’t, but like any other human, I do it too.  Sometimes, I don’t want to deal with issues I have with family members, such as leaving me out of everything.  Sometimes, I cannot just smile and nod.  Sometimes, I can be stubborn.  People that witness these days hide from me.  What do you do when the one that’s positive all the time suddenly feels like being grumpy for a day?

Generally the peacemaker, when it’s me feeling these feelings and not wanting to attend family functions, I feel so much guilt.  Although I have many reasons to feel the way I do, I still feel like I am obligated to suck it up and attend.  The past year or so, I just cannot do it anymore.  I cannot pretend to be content with situations, when I really am not.

Did having 3 kids make me suddenly want to stand up for myself?  I don’t know.  Was it going through a divorce and developing a brand new attitude?  I don’t know that either.  I just know that for the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to feel and show the emotions that I have been hiding for years and years.  It feels pretty damn good too.

So, I am sure by the time the family functions that I am trying so hard to avoid get here, I will have probably decided to attend.  Just because that’s me.  But, I won’t just smile and nod anymore.  I will stand up for myself.  I will not let people walk on me anymore.  I will just be the me that I want everybody to see.  Even my angry side.

I can still be my happy-go-lucky, countdown to Christmas self, just with an occassional bad day.  And it will be ok.  It will be ok, because I am human too. Hey, maybe it will even allow one person to step up and be the positive one for a change? 😉




2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. When the Kids Go To Bed
    Nov 03, 2011 @ 16:03:51

    I know exactly where you’re coming from. Enjoy all of your emotions. We can’t always be rainbows and sunshine.


  2. Tracy
    Nov 08, 2011 @ 14:03:15

    I understand where you are coming from, I don’t know if its because I’m getting older, or just have had enough, but I’m experiencing something similar. Its always been very hard for me to say ‘no’, or to think its my fault someone is disappointed. The first time I did tell an inlaw ‘no’, it really hit the fan. But over the years, I’ve said ‘no’ more often. I’ve gotten a little more comfortable w/ it, & a little more comfortable expressing my anger. Its not always easy, sometimes I still feel some guilt if I know someone is mad at me because I said ‘no’ or whatever. But it does get easier. I’ve noticed some people don’t just assume I’m going to say ‘yes’ anymore. I’ve also noticed, that one particular person & myself get along much better now. Its taken a couple of arguments to get there, but in all, its worked out pretty well. I guess no one is ever too old to grow up a little, learn to be stronger & stand up for ourselves. I always enjoy your blogs.


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